in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
