Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
