New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
