i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
