when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
