i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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