Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
