you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
