I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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