sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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