Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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