Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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