oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I want to have your abortion
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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