I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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