You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
