I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
