....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
