turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Randomize
