In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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