My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
