Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Your dad touched me again.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
