You smell like a Billy Joel song
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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