Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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