Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
