she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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