Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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