I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
