I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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