she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Randomize
