Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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