Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
