He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
