i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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