shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
