There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Randomize
