I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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