Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
porn star boner night. come get it.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
