Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
