I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
