dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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