We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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