I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Semen is not good for contacts.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
