This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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