I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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