what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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