in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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