God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
