my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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