I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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