He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
