omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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