I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
